I call my own bullshit. Amor Fati. And idiot’s idea.

Our needs are about the same as a junkie looking for their next high. There is no meaning in anything we do, a greater cause or divine plan. And for those who argue that life is now and we must seize every moment, don’t. Or do, whatever. I don’t really care and it doesn’t really matter.

And that’s what I’m trying to say. Its all meaningless. White noise. We distract ourselves believing that these fleeting little moments of happiness (high), of now are the ultimate goal, are what makes everything worth it and sum up to this intangible sense of accomplishment that fills whatever void we developed while growing up.

Now is so fleeting that its mere acknowledgment annuls its existence. Truly a beautiful idea. Everything else is a lie. The past is tainted by feelings, however that made us feel then, will shape the memories that will haunt us for the rest of our lives. The future, instead, will shape our “now” and will become the fantasies we wish to chase.

It’s all carbons and hydrogens. Compost. And why does it still hurt? Why does it still make me cry? On the one hand, because of all the things I could have done differently. But on the other hand (and this is the one that truly gets me spinning), because it doesn’t add up. And of course human emotions and feelings aren’t going to add up like a math equation. But every action has a train of thought and motive that falls into some sort of logic (to that person) and that adds up (in its own way). Anyway I look at this it just doesn’t add up. And that bothers the heck out of me. Like an itch you can’t scratch, like a drop of water falling on the floor of an empty room, one after another, like a sneeze that won’t just happen.

And I don’t know where I am. I feel i never came back from where it all was lost, I’m stuck in some sort of emotional purgatory that is neither where it happened nor where I’m physically at.

All there is, is pain. The same hand that helps you walk into the light, stand in the sun is the one that pushes you into the dark. Why? All I can think is because things fall apart.